A Lonely Parent’s Christmas Perspective

This will be my second Christmas without my raison d’être, my angels, my loves. I think it’s fair to say, from having to pull out the Kleenex already, that I’m not expecting this holiday season to be any better than last. If anything, I wonder if it could be worse.

Before last year, I had never spent a Christmas apart from my kids or any holiday for that matter. There is something miraculous about Christmas when you have young children – the wonder, the magic, the joy. Lifelong memories are often built around this holy season and the thought of not being there to spend it with the only ones who make it worthwhile is heartbreaking.

This year, it’s a serious blow. It makes me not want to get out of bed starting in December and ending after the holiday season in New Years.

But, as parents – we don’t give up, we don’t give in – no matter how devastating the blow we’ve been dealt. In my case, I will do exactly as I did last year – I will continue throughout the month of December as if nothing had changed. I will continue to ask about their Christmas activities at home and at school. I will continue to ask what their holiday plans are. I will continue to ask what they want for Christmas and make sure that I ask what they’ve asked Santa for…as I surely don’t want to be stepping on Santa’s toes!

It goes without saying, that all of this will break my heart. I won’t be there to live it and experience it first hand. But, as much as all of this breaks my heart and makes me cry myself to sleep, I know that I will wake with an even stronger resolve and an even deeper commitment to my lifelong role as their parent.

It means that they will not see how much it breaks my heart to be apart from them, to know that they are living a life apart from me. It means that I will not show my anger or frustration at the situation in front of them. They did nothing to deserve this and whatever I think of ‘him,’ he is still their parent and I will not, under any circumstances compromise their relationship or opinion of him because of this. It means I will do whatever is humanly possible to hold my head high and present them with a strong, determined woman they are proud to call ‘Mommy.’